Harvard to Move Egalitarian

Cambridge, MA, April 1, 2014

In a move designed to foster diversity and to make a college which”thinks like America,” Dr. Drew Gilpin Faust, the President of Harvard University announced yesterday that the faculty will embrace egalitarian admissions. The faculty will no more give priority to students with good grades, high SAT scores, and impressive extra-curricular pursuits. Such policies include, Dr. Faust acknowledged, created an”elitist” and”inegalitarian” atmosphere in the school. “It is unacceptable in 2014 to be favoring the intelligent over the unlearned, and the energetic on the slothful,” she hailed.

Beginning next year Harvard’s incoming class will probably have SAT scores ranging from six to two hundred to create, for the first time, a really diverse professional class. The course’ scores will probably resemble that the distribution of scores across the USA.

This mission will expand past admissions:”Harvard is currently dedicated to fighting’thinkism” in all its guises. No more will Professors grade students based upon just how’well’ they write or think, or solve math issues or talk French.” Rather, equity dictates that grades will be assigned by lot–such as elections in early Athens, the only way to make certain students who are”better prepared” for school or”better ” to read, write, and believe, will not use their time in Harvard to perpetuate their academic and intellectual selves.

A press release admits that”Harvard is currently dedicated to serving the’otherwise intellectual’ and’otherwise learned’ or even DIDL pupils” The idea that some are”smarter” than others would be a bias that we must overcome. The twenty-first century, the age of Hope and Change, is the era of equality. Gone will be the times when understanding the difference between”their” and”there,” or references to dead White European men like Goethe or even Marlowe were utilized to perpetuate privilege. There is no reason to favor an applicant who has been reading Shakespeare because he was ten over a person who has watched each episode of”Sponge Bob” fifty occasions.

In this summer, the total Harvard faculty will be trained in relevance to the needs of DIDL students. There is talk of anas yet undetermined, plan for affirmative actions for”Low IQ Americans.” Even the Puritans who founded Harvard maintained that”there is not any sin but ignorance.” But in addition they burned witches, Harvard noted.

Unconfirmed rumors suggest that the move was prompted by the threat of a lawsuit on behalf of their DIDL community by the Department of Education.