Harvard to Move Egalitarian

Editor’s Note: Originally published on April 1, 2014.
Cambridge, MA, April 1, 2014
In a move designed to boost diversity and to create a university which”thinks like America,” Dr. Drew Gilpin Faust, the President of Harvard University announced yesterday that the faculty will adopt egalitarian admissions. The school will no more offer priority for students with good grades, high SAT scores, and impressive extra-curricular activities. Such policies have, Dr. Faust confessed, made an”elitist” and”inegalitarian” air in the college. “It’s unacceptable in 2014 to be favoring the intelligent over the unlearned, and the energetic across the slothful,” she proclaimed.
Starting next year Harvard’s incoming class will probably have SAT scores which range from six to three hundred to produce, for the very first time, a really diverse freshman class. The course’ scores will probably resemble the distribution of scores across the USA.
This assignment will expand beyond admissions:”Harvard is now devoted to combating’thinkism” in all of its guises. No more will Professors grade pupils based upon how’well’ they think or write, or solve math problems or speak French.” Rather, equity dictates that grades will be assigned by lot–like elections in ancient Athens, the only method to make certain students who are”better prepared” for college or”better ” to read, write, and think, will not use their time in Harvard to perpetuate their academic and intellectual privilege.
A media release acknowledges that”Harvard is now devoted to serving the’otherwise intellectual’ and’otherwise learned’ or even DIDL students.” The concept that some are”more intelligent” than other people is a bias that we must conquer. The twenty-first century, the age of Hope and Change, is an era of equality. Gone are the days when knowing the difference between”their” and”there,” or references to dead White European males like Goethe or even Marlowe were used to perpetuate privilege. There is no reason to prefer an applicant that has been studying Shakespeare because he was over a person that has watched every episode of”Sponge Bob” fifty times.
In this summer, the whole Harvard faculty will be trained in relevance to demands of DIDL pupils. There’s discussion of a as yet undetermined, program for affirmative action for”Low IQ Americans.” The Puritans who founded Harvard maintained that”there is no sin but ignorance.” But in addition they burned witches, Harvard noted.
Unconfirmed rumors indicate that the move was prompted by the threat of a suit on behalf of this DIDL community by the Department of Education.